Snap, Crackle, Pop…and now for more suffering

This is not a natural body sound. Last Thursday, I stood felt pain and some random cracks and I knew in that instance that I hurt my back. As I left work stooped over, walking like a penguin I could feel it getting worse with every step. The short walk out the building to the car was near unbearable. Carpooling with hubby has been fun and allowed us to delay buying another car but at that moment I just wanted him to drive up the stairs through the glass doors and into the lobby to the elevator. I was sure the car would fit but my mental powers to communicate my wishes were failing me.

One foot slowly in front of the other, I eventually stumbled out and shuffled into the car. That evening I took ibuprofen and hoped it would help…it didn’t! I searched the medicine cabinet for some (old) tablets of muscle relaxants I had from a previous injury (too embarrassed to tell you how old they were). I took it…I was desperate and a little less than rational. It helped ease the pain but it was there. I slept for all of 15 minutes that night. Over the weekend the pain decreased but it was still there lingering, pinging me at night and nagging me during the day.

Reluctantly, I made a doctors appointment. I have a new doc and he seems nice but usually I attempt to use a natural remedy if I can. I like to think I understand my body a little better now after a few minor medical hiccups and conventional recommendations that were just unacceptable. As a result, I rely on my gut to tell me when a pill is ok and when I should find an alternative method. My back was screaming drugs, any drugs, O PLEASE HELP ME! I gave in and now a week after the snap I am happily medicating myself.

This decision started me thinking about how well I take care of myself and with making healthy decisions. I am healthy and work daily to make the best decisions when it comes to my health. I am flawed of course, I am a few pounds over-weight (20), have a slight issue with my thyroid and pesky migraine/cluster headaches. O and my eyesight isn’t 20/20. I think that sums up the major physical flaws. The mental ones would take too long to list. This aside, I only eat fish a few times a week (no other meats in 15 years), I primarily buy organic and natural food products, eat very few processed foods and cook mainly from scratch. So, why when I do all this do I get occasional pangs of guilt? Guilt that I am not doing enough, making the right decisions, exercising enough, not taking too many drugs; over-the-counter or prescribed. This always pops up when I decide to make a decision that readily ends my suffering. I’m starting to think I have some masochistic tendencies. Up to this point in my life I have been very lucky, I have had what I measure as few painful episodes. I know this is my perception and that others when looking over the collective body of my life may have a different take. But from my view I have had Lady Luck beside me more times than I can say. So, why do I feel like I should be willing to suck it up more when it comes to my physical pain? Crazy? O I know, I know.

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