Reflections

The holidays are upon us! I know this not by the visits to malls or the street decorations but rather the arrival of our first Christmas card. I was a bit surprised, miffed and excited. Although, I am nearly finished with my holiday shopping, (online shopping rocks!) I usually have already finished our Christmas newsletter, printed the labels and begin the process of mailing the letters. In the past this was driven by my insane perfectionist qualities. The funny thing is I love sending the cards usually. I love sharing with friends who we haven’t talked to in a while the events of our year. So, I decided to take a time out and consider why I avoidance had crept into a usually satisfying accomplishment. The answer? Apathy. This year has been rather mundane and mediocre. It has had but 1 high and the rest not lows but non-starters.

I’ve often felt that throughout my life I have been exceptionally lucky. Happiness has never been far away and my life has been terribly balanced. I have experienced no tragedies, no great losses or major upheavals. My life is just what it is. I have had successes and accomplishments, none coming too quick and none that I haven’t worked towards as a particular goal. Like so many others I do feel that I have something more in me, something more profound and fulfilling. But I also fear this radical desire for greatness. Friends of mine who have such peaks often have such lows too and sadly reflecting upon my own life it pales in comparison. To often I don’t know what I am seeking…I have imaginations and tangible goals, which I think will help to bring this “something” closer but it is elusive.

I find myself escaping into thoughts of writing, writing my book. And although, I write stories in my head daily, I just don’t seem to make the connection to paper. Every year I explore and imagine and wish that this year I will start in earnest on my book. I fictionalize the story surrounding the writing itself. I have a solid foundation but my character like her muse remains unfinished, a yet ill-conceived vision.

So, with the quickly approaching Christmas festivities and news from far away friends I look forward to 2006, with hope and aspiration. On Christmas Eve when we sit to open the cards from our friends I will be nurturing the fearful excited great character inside to do more and reach for the unexpected.

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