Hair Aflame, Face on Fire

Today I unleashed the devil inside. Our vendor did something totally stupid and irresponsible and I had to call him on it. It was the final straw in a long string of screw-ups. I wrote a professional nasty-gram and then met with him to express my disappointment. It was definitely not the highlight of my career. I have avoided accepting management positions simply because I do not want to have to deal with the crap that goes along with managing individuals. I just don’t think I am cut out to chastise and crack a mean whip to get people in line. I am not saying that you have to do this, I use to teach 12-14 year-olds, I know this is not an amenable way to get people motivated, but I also recognize it is an evil necessity at times. And in all honesty I am not comfortable with that aspect of my personality and I don’t want to be. Getting comfortable with being mean or yelling is not where I want to go.

Did I do it? Yes. Is he aware that he pissed me off? Totally. He definitely got the message, based on my tone and demeanor. He was uncomfortable for sure and quickly acquiesced and apologized.

The person I become scares me…I get butterflies in my stomach and I am not sure I will say the right thing or that my anger will just take over, preventing effective communication of the problem. This is because in reality I am not an arguer…I have learned how to argue from being married but outside of that I don’t engage in those scenarios.

And now this episode has circulated around the office…I was king for a day someone said. Gosh, I wonder if this has given me my first black mark, set the wheels in motion for a reputation? The bad kind. Although, I want to be seen as someone people can work with, perhaps it isn’t so bad that they also know I won’t take any shit. I just don’t know. This job is tearing me apart. I am being pulled in so many directions and I am changing daily. Frankly, I am not sure I like the changes.

How do you handle conflict at work? What tactics work for you? Are you as worried about tact and professionalism, finding a confident balance?

All I know for sure is that I am not ready to part with the person I am for the person I feel I am becoming. I feel a transition coming, not just in the way of job but also IN me…and I am afraid. I want to stop the train and get off…but it is going too fast…

Hell Week Begins

I knew this was the start of a long, bad week. I hadn’t expected the first day to go so bad. Frequently, when I expect the worse, it often proves overkill. To day was not one of those times. As a project manager I tend to expect certain disappointments, but today left me with some unexpected news that directly pushed my already ridiculous schedule further into oblivion. I met with testing people to listen to their concerns and offer poor solutions as to why they were the ones being squeezed when so many other missteps had already occurred. Then the bomb dropped. I communicated with my director on this project and she never provided input as to how best to handle the slippage. I continued and proceeded without it. Since, she never got back to me I started thinking…why am I so wound up about this unrealistic deployment date? I didn’t set it…I never promised it to anyone and although, I am the one putting the schedules together (based on the end date) and managing all the interfaces and so on…I am tired of being all stressed because of these unrealistic expectations.

Once I let this bad energy go, I felt so much better. I found that so much of the negativity I had been exuding disappeared. Frankly, this day has just reinforced why I am do ready to leave. I am so over this place. I want better, I want to get up in the morning happy to be going to work. I want to enjoy my job. I want more fulfillment and I am just fed-up. I am just trying to focus on that, there is something better out there for me, I know it.

Now What?

Well I just found out that my company is allowing some of us to telecommute! Yippee!!! 3 whole days at home, alone to get things done and it gets me away from the office. I am SO happy about this. I have been looking for a change for a while now. I have grown discontented with the way things were going at work. And honestly I was getting bored. It just wasn’t fun or interesting anymore, hard work on top of hard work.

This summer things only got worse after a promotion I had been promised actually forced me to apply and compete with outsiders of the company. An ordeal that lasted 3 months…and then I was told that “Congrats! and o’ by the way, we just weren’t able to find any viable candidates so we were happy to give it to you…probably for less money because we can.”

Needless to say I was peeved, I had been working on that promotion for a year! I was more than qualified and had recently completed the appropriate certification. I made a big transition from writing documentation to project management. I love this new area within IT but it is intense. And right now, I am still doing my old job while they try to find a “viable” candidate for that position. HA

Before they announced this new ‘perk,’ I had seriously been trying to plan my exit strategy. I was trying to rationalize it by saying I wanted to wait until my current mega project had happily rolled out. The project is sadly looking like it will be delayed past the December implementation.

It’s funny I don’t know why I feel like I am at such a crossroads. I had been thinking about moving to another job, one where I could make easily $25k+ more. I am seriously trying to decide what is the best path. Do I stay at a place, where I don’t respect the upper management including my boss, who failed me and I feel wasn’t forthcoming with the truth that he obviously had. The place that requires only 37.5 hours/week, where our health care is paid 100% by the company and we only ever pay a co-pay, where we get 4 weeks vacation and 3 weeks sick leave, 10% in retirement, and have our own offices, where talking business on IM is normal…and now telecommuting 3 days a week. To move to a place that will pay loads more (a prerequisite or why bother) but potentially have longer hours and maybe an even crappy work environment? Did I mention in only work 15 minutes from home?

OH what a dilemma! I bet you’re thinking that I am just scared, use to my cozy, stable setting. NO! I have no problem picking up and moving jobs…I have moved from DC to the west coast and back again having no job and no place to live…so starting over has never been an issue before. I don’t know why this is so much harder. Hubby and I have talked about moving back to England in a few years and I am fine with that…so why does this interim move seem so…hard?