Hair Aflame, Face on Fire

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Today I unleashed the devil inside. Our vendor did something totally stupid and irresponsible and I had to call him on it. It was the final straw in a long string of screw-ups. I wrote a professional nasty-gram and then met with him to express my disappointment. It was definitely not the highlight of my career. I have avoided accepting management positions simply because I do not want to have to deal with the crap that goes along with managing individuals. I just don’t think I am cut out to chastise and crack a mean whip to get people in line. I am not saying that you have to do this, I use to teach 12-14 year-olds, I know this is not an amenable way to get people motivated, but I also recognize it is an evil necessity at times. And in all honesty I am not comfortable with that aspect of my personality and I don’t want to be. Getting comfortable with being mean or yelling is not where I want to go.

Did I do it? Yes. Is he aware that he pissed me off? Totally. He definitely got the message, based on my tone and demeanor. He was uncomfortable for sure and quickly acquiesced and apologized.

The person I become scares me…I get butterflies in my stomach and I am not sure I will say the right thing or that my anger will just take over, preventing effective communication of the problem. This is because in reality I am not an arguer…I have learned how to argue from being married but outside of that I don’t engage in those scenarios.

And now this episode has circulated around the office…I was king for a day someone said. Gosh, I wonder if this has given me my first black mark, set the wheels in motion for a reputation? The bad kind. Although, I want to be seen as someone people can work with, perhaps it isn’t so bad that they also know I won’t take any shit. I just don’t know. This job is tearing me apart. I am being pulled in so many directions and I am changing daily. Frankly, I am not sure I like the changes.

How do you handle conflict at work? What tactics work for you? Are you as worried about tact and professionalism, finding a confident balance?

All I know for sure is that I am not ready to part with the person I am for the person I feel I am becoming. I feel a transition coming, not just in the way of job but also IN me…and I am afraid. I want to stop the train and get off…but it is going too fast…

Wanted: A Best Friend

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It seems that for the last few years I have spent the odd moment contemplating my lack thereof a “best friend.” Let me start by saying, I have a best friend in my partner. I could not be more blessed by his trueness, understanding and support, and ever-lasting love. I know I am a better person because of him. We are normal though…we have our ups and downs. We argue and disagree, pout and shout but nothing so damaging or detrimental as to damage the core of our relationship. Most of the time is small pettiness that ruins the moment and I do mean moment. I rarely can stay mad for longer than 30 minutes. My heart is just never in it. I am big on talking out a problem…communicating to a better end. I will talk you to death, even in an argument.

So, why do I feel like I don’t have a best friend? Well I feel I am missing something more. A girlfriend I can hang out with, who knows me in and out, and has a grasp of what’s going on in my life. I want someone who can provide that female camaraderie that BozoBoy can’t, who knows me in a way most people don’t, who sees me on my good and bad days.

We have been married nearly 9 years, lived on both coasts and had a brief layover in the middle of the country. I have LOTS of friends. Friends I e-mail, irregularly (bad me). I would say I have friends who have at one time or another been a very close friend. Most of my friends I met at work, which has included both men and women. I get on well with both sexes.

My mother use to call me the little charmer, I was always myself in social circumstances but I guess being an extrovert but not overly so (and faking confidence I didn’t really have at the time) I put myself out to make friends. I am very good at making friends, across racial boundaries, gender, nationalities… And I would say keeping them…but I don’t put in the full effort I know I should to maintain the same level with the friends but I have dropped very few friends.

I wish I could keep up with all my friends…and I use to but now I am just so busy, and tired and there are just so many. Hey…I fall down on my wifely responsibilities more than I should and I see the man everyday. You see where I am going with this.

But I haven’t had a best friend since college. I had a best friend, in fact 2 in elementary school (who I still am in contact with – a few times a year), 2 in high school neither of whom I still have ties to), and I would say I had 1 best friend in college, although I made some last friendships…(and I keep up with them, though I had a falling out with the best friend a few years ago). But since then the well has dried up!

And dammit, I am mad and hurt. I want a girlfriend I can tell my secrets (see previous post) too. I don’t even have any secrets, but I can make some up if she comes. I need my very own buddy who offers me their opinion, is nonjudgmental but tells me the truth even when it isn’t what I want to hear. I miss this companionship, before my life and those of my friends got more complicated making it harder to have that deep meaningful relationship.

I have some wonderful friends at work and a very small circle outside locally. But socially, I have done next to nothing with friends outside of work. Shortly, after we moved in we held an open house/30th b-day party. I invited a great number of people and I think about 50-60 turned up. Since, not a single person has been over to the house…that has been nearly a year and a half. Boy, that is kinda depressing.

I bet you are tired of hearing me whine, well I have plan. Sort of, I at least know my objective:

1. To start developing lasting relationships, but more than that…I have several great friends in different states, I would consider very close, even best friends…but I am not part of their daily lives, nor are they part of mine. I want that daily friend interaction but to transcend the boundaries of work and the shifts in our lives.

2. To try to reconnect with the friends I have. Make a bigger effort to stay in their lives. I plan to divvy up the months and start with some of the friends I already keep up with throughout the year and try to e-mail them more often.

3. To consider my daily friends as potential best friends…invite them out or over or whatever…this is harder because I only have 1 close girlfriend at work. She could so be my best friend…but her life is very full right now and she has several best friends. I am sure her heart is gracious enough to engulf me too, but I just feel her life is just so rich now…I am more than happy to be her close friend. I heard somewhere it takes an average of 3 years to form a “true” friendship. I am not sure I believe this. Maybe they mean a lasting relationship. We are reaching our 3-year mark, so perhaps she and I are on the right path.

But I am getting impatient, (I’ve been thinking about this on and off for the last 5 years). We all hear how friends are critical participants in our emotional health. I am at a point in my life where I feel like I am making big decisions, redefining who I am and I want a witness, if you will. I want to form rewarding and enduring connections. To find a friendship that can grow with me as I embark on what I hope will be a rewarding time that includes children. So, I have drafted the following ad…please feel free to apply.

WANTED: A Best Friend (Not Romantic…got that covered.)
Per Merriam-Websters: “one attached to another by affection or esteem.” To go even further I am looking for someone, to chat with about nothing or everything. To shop or drive in circles or whatever moves your spirit. To support and listen and talk and talk and talk…empathize, cry and have fun. To steal quiet “girl” moments and share intimate details (e.g., talk about how panties ride up with certain tights…nothing that said spouse would be too embarrassed about me knowing).

I am prepared to reciprocate all that I have asked for and in return, I will be committed and dependable, I will care and love, give advice you solicit and even some you don’t…I will share details I shouldn’t (see previous post) but keep YOUR secrets and tell you the truth and you can call me anytime just because. I may meet you by chance or have you in my life already…I will share in your joy and pain, and distance shall be no boundary for us, and even if we argue I won’t divorce you because I will know the honeymoon is over but the best is yet to come.

Secret Keeper, I’m Not

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I am not a very good secret keeper. I mean…I can lie very well but keeping secrets is very hard. So, why is this even an issue?

A very close friend at work is pregnant. She isn’t ready for anyone else to know and I suspect the only reason I know is because I am managing a project she is working on. She is still very early (10 weeks) and had been trying for a while (IUI). She had a miscarriage 2 years ago at 24 weeks, losing her twins…so this is VERY big news.

It’s not that I want to be the one to tell her news but I am not quite sure I can keep it to myself. I know deep down that I am not going to tell anyone, else…told BozoBoy of course!

So, this is a true test for me. I am a terrible liar really…I am accomplished at withholding information. Although, I still can recall my mom saying “keep your business to yourself, you shouldn’t go around tell all your business.” I’ve gotten better over the years. I am better at holding most personal things in. I haven’t told anyone that I am in debt or other more embarrassing personal things. And yet, I still disclose more than I should at times.

So instead I am telling you, my internet audience…because no one at work knows about my site…and boy I plan to keep that secret.

Granny’s Day

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It was my mother’s birthday today and what a nice, happy day it turned out to be. We went to see a terrible movie and had a great meal. We ate at Red Rock Canyon, which turned out to be a nice meal. We saw Doom, which was a really bad, awful in fact. Just wasn’t made well and I didn’t care for it. I don’t get to the movies all that often, so it was a real waste of money but it was a nice time out. Grandma was very well behaved and we actually had a nice time. It has been a while since we have had a nice time out. When she was just normal for a change, no insulting or undercutting, no wild opinions or wacky comments, just normal.

It was quite a nice afternoon.

Internal Dialogue

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Lately, I have been wondering about my innate desire to seek happiness and overcome my obstacles. I am generally an optimistic person who looks on the bright side of every situation. Although, I rarely get depressed I do tend to be deeply affected by work. I am prone to getting physically ill from stressful situations at work. I accept the bad things that come into my life not always graciously but I find a way to deal. This led me to start thinking about all these bad feelings I have been having. Being so busy all the time, unhappy, working a lot at home after hours, getting lazy about cooking healthy and so on…I even would attribute my back problems to this negativity.

So, I thought that I would list the things I find most dissatisfying about my life and see if by doing this I can divest myself of whatever angst or unhappiness I am carrying.

1. I am unhappy at work. I love the people in my immediate group and the perks and benefits. But I am so, very unhappy. I don’t like the person I am becoming or the people I am working with outside of my circle of friends and colleagues. I wish I was being adequately compensated for what I am doing. I want more emotional fulfillment. I want to go to work happy, excited. I want what I do to mean something and to matter. I miss working in academia. I miss seeing the fruits of my work, helping others.

2. I wish I wasn’t constantly obsessed with the debt we have amassed (low double-digits). It seems that all my motivation focuses on this. Paying it off, not spending on X because I could pay down our debt instead. This weighs heavily on my mind. I just want it to be gone already. But I wonder if it is gone, won’t I find something else to fret about, to replace that debt either literally or metaphorically? I have been fantasizing, hoping that we can take a nice 6-8 week trip traveling for our 10th anniversary. Of course, I find no true enjoyment in these thoughts because of our debt, and the fact that this would add too it. To add more insult to my already raw feelings, I know that we have thought about starting a family after this trip.

3. Having a family scares me for a number of reasons. The obvious, whether I will be a good parent, having a healthy baby, how will our marriage change, will we be happier…but I am terrified that we will continue our check to check behavior we currently exhibit. To be honest I am embarrassed about the amount we make and still seem to be struggling, guilty about spending money on shoes we need or so forth. We have made some big decisions to try to combat our financial woes, deciding not to buy another car and carpooling but I can’t shake my childhood feelings. I still think back to the images of my mom struggling to provide me with things, school opportunities and so on…these thoughts linger in my mind. Will we ever catch up? Make enough money to raise a child and still manage to enjoy ourselves without the stress? We have talked about BozoBoy becoming a stay-at-home dad. Of course, this is a factor when trying to improve our financial situation.

What I have realized is that I am far too obsessed about money, making more, paying off what I have spent, and thinking about what I don’t have. I am just so tired of these thoughts. I need to let go. I meant will I really have a life where I won’t have some debt? I doubt it somehow…even if it is minimal. Do I want/need help in working these problems out? Absolutely! Do I know where to look? Not exactly, but I am trying. I am trying to let go of certain ideals and desires that may in fact be causing me pain. I want to end what I feel is contributing to my own suffering. More importantly, I am on a mission to find the roots of my own happiness and focus on those. I believe this could have a significant change on my attitude and hopefully on my outlook of the future.

Good News for Grandma

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Well I am happy to report that Grandma starts her orientation and training with Target this week. We are feeling the stress start to leave us and most importantly we are just happy she has found something, even if it temporary and it isn’t quite what she was expected.

Hell Week Begins

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I knew this was the start of a long, bad week. I hadn’t expected the first day to go so bad. Frequently, when I expect the worse, it often proves overkill. To day was not one of those times. As a project manager I tend to expect certain disappointments, but today left me with some unexpected news that directly pushed my already ridiculous schedule further into oblivion. I met with testing people to listen to their concerns and offer poor solutions as to why they were the ones being squeezed when so many other missteps had already occurred. Then the bomb dropped. I communicated with my director on this project and she never provided input as to how best to handle the slippage. I continued and proceeded without it. Since, she never got back to me I started thinking…why am I so wound up about this unrealistic deployment date? I didn’t set it…I never promised it to anyone and although, I am the one putting the schedules together (based on the end date) and managing all the interfaces and so on…I am tired of being all stressed because of these unrealistic expectations.

Once I let this bad energy go, I felt so much better. I found that so much of the negativity I had been exuding disappeared. Frankly, this day has just reinforced why I am do ready to leave. I am so over this place. I want better, I want to get up in the morning happy to be going to work. I want to enjoy my job. I want more fulfillment and I am just fed-up. I am just trying to focus on that, there is something better out there for me, I know it.

A Weekend Away

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O to be off…what a blessing. And to be going away, a true treasure!

BozoBoy and I leisurely spent Friday getting ready, dragging around the house, catching up on tv we had taped. Eventually, we start edging our way towards the door and thus the car ride.

The car ride was uneventful and actually quiet and calm. It took us about 3 hours to actually make it to Ocean City. It has been nearly 15 years since I have been to Ocean City and I had never actually stayed in the city. I camped at Assateague Island . So, my memories of the area were foggy. BozoBoy had never been.

We arrived at our hotel and were immediately disappointed. What had been marked as an oceanview room wasn’t really and the hotel was back from the beach somewhat. We were close to the beach and the boardwalk. Our room was less than pleasing but overall…we were just happy to be away. Out of the reach of work (no internet connection) made things so much nicer. We spent time walking the entire boardwalk and then some (3rd to 35th street). Not much was open as a lot had already closed for the season. The food wasn’t the greatest, could just be the places we tried but we came back not feeling entirely great. We drove over to Assateague State Park and we were fortunate to see several deer and one wild pony, that was a definite highlight. The beaches were very clean and looked inviting if not for the 50 degree weather. It had warmed by the time we decided to leave. We headed north and drove through Bethany, Dewey and Rehobeth before heading back across the Bay Bridge towards home.

All in all, although we probably would not go back again (and if we did we would try to stay at the Dunes), it was just so nice to get away.

I felt so much better when we got home. I had let go of much of the unhappiness I had been feeling. Too bad it didn’t last…

Utter Craziness

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Hell, that it is what it has been at work this week. There is a flurry of activity starting this week as we get ready to accept our first implementation from a vendor. Of course, they are behind schedule, we are slightly too but ours can be made up and most likely will hit the targets. I can see this thing falling apart during testing. Next week is not going to be pretty.

I have had a lot of pressure on me this week from every source possible and had at least 3 managers looking over my shoulder. It has sucked for the most part. I thought making a move to Project Management would be fun and exciting, that I would enjoy the interaction between the multiple groups of people I interact with for IT projects. But I am not enjoying it one bit! It probably doesn’t help that I am still also doing all of the tech writing, until they can fill that position. I use to love tech writing, but it was getting monotonous, it was time for a change.

The thing is I not just overwhelmed, I am so far beyond that I don’t even know what to call it. I am hoping that this is just a passing moment and that things will improve but doubt is creeping in. Maybe moving companies will change my perspectives, so it of course that is constantly on my mind and the desire to earn more somewhere else makes it hard to ignore.

In the midst of all this I am also trying to balance my mother’s typical craziness. 2 1/2 years ago she moved back to the area from out west and of course, the good (only-child) loving soul that I am said, “sure, come stay with us until you get back on your feet.”

BACK HISTORY: Now she had stayed with us before, for 9 months! During which she put little effort into looking for a job or her own place. Her contributions to bills, food and such were minimal at best. In fact, that time I had to “put her out (had her stay with a friend of mine for 3 weeks)” because Bozoboy’s family was arriving from England, a trip they had planned before she came to stay. We were living in an apartment at the time and barely had room for them let alone for her too. In the end, that turned out to be the best thing…she got a job during that “away” time. In the end, she ended up in the same apartment complex as us.

This time around, you would have thought I’d have learned my lesson NO I am a glutton for punishment I suppose. I figured that she may spend a bit of time doing little but after 3 months she would start looking for work. Nope. This time though she did occasionally help out with the groceries and paid a small amount towards the rent but that was the extent of her help. BUT that wasn’t the worst part…and before you go saying, how could we ask her for money…the first time we never did, she had just had a personal tragedy (escaped a house fire that destroyed everything) but the second time we did because we were barely making ends meet ourselves. She had one rather annoying habit, besides talking through programs and asking questions about something because she had talked through it… she never left the house…so for 10 months or so, she was there every day or evening! We had no quiet time, alone time whatsoever. She has no social life and makes no effort to have one. Doesn’t even think about doing stuff on her own or asking you to go with her if she didn’t want to go alone. In the beginning we felt that we had to take her with everywhere we went. As time went by that changed. We did our thing sometimes we asked her and sometimes we didn’t. We started living our life without her even though she was always there.

To this day, I still think she would have continued staying with us had we not bought a house. We made it very clear that she had to find her own place. I am not the sort of person who wants to live my life with my mother constantly in tow. We just don’t have that kind of bond. I have tried improving things but the truth is she is just not a happy person and doesn’t know what to do to change that behavior or just doesn’t want to. Maybe she is happy in the solitude of her life. I bet you are thinking, how cruel, well you have to know her to understand our dilemma. Besides what I have already mentioned she can be abrasive, contrite, contradictory (to even the things she says), rude, insulting, and to say it nicely, a general pain in the butt. But I love her, so…we both tolerate her bad behaviors. Nonetheless we moderate our interaction with her. We see her once a week and that’s about it.

So, getting back to her current craziness. Well since she came in 2003, she has not worked. Has just sat at home (she is renting a house) and done, what? Fuckall, I suspect but of course I don’t know. Now she is getting all panicky about finding a job…probably because the money she had been making & saving at the last job is drying up, and the funny thing is she had been making close to 6 figures, for nearly 3 years. I have been helping her with her resume and job resources and basically trying to help her any way I can. She has said she’s been looking since early spring and just hasn’t gotten calls. Today she applied at Target. I have no problem with her working at Target, taking a job, any job to help pay your bills in a crisis isn’t rocket science. You do what you have to. But I wonder how she got to this point? She has over 25 years in the IT field and she can’t get a job? Why did she sit around for so long before she did something? The dire attitude she is starting to present is just getting under my skin.

I do care a great deal about her and what happens to her…but I also love Bozoboy and wouldn’t subject him to another interlude in our home with her. We are happy to provide her with financial assistance, if and when she needs it but there’s no coming back. I have been wishing hard that she finds something soon, anything but something. Besides her piece of mind I need mine back too.

Did I mention she doesn’t have medical insurance and hasn’t even been to a doctor in more than 15-20 years? Fortunately, she has cut back her smoking and drinking considerable. I have other things to worry about, once she does find a job. Please let it be soon.

Trying to Understand

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Last week we happened to be flicking as you do and paused for a moment on Primetime. I can’t recall now what made Bozoboy stop but as it happened the segment they were introducing was about 2 13-yr old twins, who sing songs with racial epitaphs and develop lyrics to recruit others for their white cause. The also play a video game where the sole objective is to kill blacks.

Looking back now, I am upset with myself that I even bothered to watch it. For some reason when these types of programs are on I am can’t seem to turn them off…I guess I am looking for the why? I have one friend who calls any programming like this propaganda and refuses to watch, even under the guess of a news program. I find all these shows upsetting of course, but this one was particularly disturbing. To see such young children embodying the asinine ideologies passed down by their parents. I can only guess that their exposure to a diversified society has been limited. One segment had the girls creating packages for the survivors of Katrina but to only be distributed to whites affected. As it turned out the packages were never distributed they ended up in a store that caters to people of similar persuasion because even the whites didn’t want to accept the packages simply because they were white.

I find it laughable that one of the main tenant’s for these people is to maintain their “white purity.” They are living under some massive delusion if they seriously believe that they are truly white and have NO mixed blood. These are what I like to call crazy thoughts.

Race is more on my mind these days, with the episodes and outcomes of Hurricane Katrina, William Bennett’s comments about aborting black babies to reduce crime, the beating of the man in New Orleans, and of late even celebrities get it wrong, the Joan Rivers/Darcus Howe spat.

To some extent, I do believe that some of us need to let the pain go and some of us need to stop inflicting the pain. Beyond just race, discrimination is something that should never be felt by another, whether it be religious, gender or sexual preference. I know that I am not a perfect …but I also, don’t go around judging others based solely on this surface information. And that is not say that I don’t pass judgment…I see families in the grocery store completely unable to control their wild children. I judge, under my breath, but I also give the benefit of the doubt and have never gone rushing up to the parents’ and say what horrible monsters you have, you suck as parents; because everyone has a bad day now and again. But I am not the type of person who would discriminate against someone.

I keep thinking about the future, my future and what that will mean when/if we have a baby. What will that child look like…how will the world view them…will they be accepted? Of course, these are normal questions to contemplate when thinking about parenthood, but I think of them with the eyes of a colored woman, in an interracial marriage. I think about how I will react if I drop them at school and everyone thinks I’m the nanny because we look nothing alike.

America is a cruel and ignorant place if you are a minority…the country is unforgiving, like a dog with a bone. This was never better demonstrated to me then after 9/11, with the enhanced racial profiling we had sunk too. The sad fact is that people mistake your outward appearance for something you may not even be. It is hard for minorities to fit in, to find our place, especially if we are strangers in a new country but even for those of us who have been here for generations. It’s funny that most of my racial encounter have been from other blacks…saying I am not black enough, the definition of which still eludes me. It is not easy trying to find your place, understand how you fit, it is hard work and in most ways I have given up. I don’t try to be something that I am not, particularly to satisfy someone who wasn’t interested in knowing the layers below my skin. Race is a dilemma that I know I will not solve. It is based often on the perceptions and preconceived ideas of others, their assumptions and the need to label or classify.

I find small consolation, when then I look around at other societies I had assumed were handling their issues of race better than us and realize that we are in some ways better off than other countries. Real Sports recently had a story about Europe’s struggle with discrimination of black soccer players. Some of the videos they showed of the fans throwing bananas and making monkey calls is hard for me to imagine. I would be astonished to ever see something like that here. These scenes brought back clips I had seen the initial sportsmen in this country who helped break the color barrier and the experiences they had. It is hard to imagine these barriers are still being broken in 2005, anywhere.

As time passes, I find myself thinking about a time far from now, when I am gone and my children and maybe even their children are gone. I think of the face, the face of what lies ahead? I think what will the world be like if we were the same racially? What if we all had medium tanned skin? Would we still hate so much? We would then covet or resent one another’s eye color, hair? What would be next? Ultimately, my fantasy loses it’s luster because I am forced to reconcile the daily acts of hatred I see and concede that it may never end and o how sad to admit that. So, for now I hold onto my little world. My own small fantasy where I feel a part of the diversification process…not just in changing the face of the world with children but with my daily interactions with people in my life and those I invite to be regardless of what’s on outside. I am anomaly. I don’t fit any molds and a label hasn’t been created yet to encapsulate everything I am.

And yet in the face of such doubt, I continue to hope and dream.