Too Obsessive For My Own Good

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I spent almost all day on my computer. Resting my back, which has been nice…but all day. I felt like I was at work, sitting here surfing the net. For what u ask? We have decided to go away this coming weekend, a short 3-day weekend to Ocean City. Nothing special just time out of the house, a time to separate ourselves from the everyday mediocrity.

So, I spent all-day looking for hotels…searching and searching, reading reviews and more searching. Then I moved on to things to do, where to eat and so on. I haven’t been there since I was in high school and Bozo has never been there.

I am proud that I did all this in a single day. Normally, I would have spent a lot more time, perhaps even a week’s worth of time and well in advance. Why do I have to take so long, and read every piece of information? I don’t know, I am cheap but want to go or do something nice and fun. But it is more than that, its because I am a total control freak. Relax? That will be the day. I think I will let Bozo plan the next trip. He is so low-key and what research he does is minimal or so it appears. He prefers to discover a place.

Somehow doing all that research never seems to satisfy me. I have the info, but I fret over whether we will have a good time. I am sure we will but, I want for once to just not plan…to be risky. What do you do when planning a trip?

Grown-Up Decisions

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Today I was chatting with a friend at work and we got on the topic of our fathers. A mutual friend’s father was on his deathbed and he was visiting with him. He had never been very close to him.

Both she and I are probably in similar situations regarding our fathers although it has been many years since we have seen or spoken to our dads. We discussed what we would do if they were dying, if they asked us to come, if we would cry or grieve?

When I thought about my relationship with my dad I started thinking:

First my dad probably would never ask me to come to his bedside. I am sure it would be one of my uncles who would contact me with the news. I am pretty sure this would be the scenario. I started thinking would I go? What is the point? He is 61 and has never been a “part” of my life, his choice not mine or even my mothers. He has had many opportunities to reach out, be a father or even a friend but he never did.

I have long since let go of the hope that he will be a part of my life. I can’t picture him in it. O, don’t get me wrong I have a void inside. I mourn the what-ifs and maybes.

When I think of his side, it my grandparents I miss the most. The ones who invited me into their lives and helped integrate me into me extended family. When I think of my father and his family, it is them I see and them I truly mourn. I was closer to my uncles and cousins then I was with my father. But it was my grandparents who helped keep those relationships fresh and they have all but faded now. Once a year I send a newsletter, sometimes I hear back from someone, sometimes I don’t.

When I think about whether I would run to his beside in his final hours, I just don’t know. I probably would…but I wonder if I would only be doing it because I felt some obligation to fulfill someone’s final moments. Perhaps, my motives would be completely selfish, to show that I am the better person…but I hope that is not true.

And I know where some of this is coming from. As much as I wish I could say I have forgiven him…I can’t because I haven’t. I’ve accepted that he is a non-entity in my life but forgiveness, well I just can’t. I guess I am waiting for him to ask me for it and I will gladly give it. I don’t think I can give it otherwise. Having said that and realizing it may never happen I am still ok with my decision. I lead my life, I have other Great men in my life, others who stood in for him and who I did a fantastic job.

So, if I got the call today, would I go? Probably, but that is only for this moment in time…a lot can change from one day to the next.

Snap, Crackle, Pop…and now for more suffering

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This is not a natural body sound. Last Thursday, I stood felt pain and some random cracks and I knew in that instance that I hurt my back. As I left work stooped over, walking like a penguin I could feel it getting worse with every step. The short walk out the building to the car was near unbearable. Carpooling with hubby has been fun and allowed us to delay buying another car but at that moment I just wanted him to drive up the stairs through the glass doors and into the lobby to the elevator. I was sure the car would fit but my mental powers to communicate my wishes were failing me.

One foot slowly in front of the other, I eventually stumbled out and shuffled into the car. That evening I took ibuprofen and hoped it would help…it didn’t! I searched the medicine cabinet for some (old) tablets of muscle relaxants I had from a previous injury (too embarrassed to tell you how old they were). I took it…I was desperate and a little less than rational. It helped ease the pain but it was there. I slept for all of 15 minutes that night. Over the weekend the pain decreased but it was still there lingering, pinging me at night and nagging me during the day.

Reluctantly, I made a doctors appointment. I have a new doc and he seems nice but usually I attempt to use a natural remedy if I can. I like to think I understand my body a little better now after a few minor medical hiccups and conventional recommendations that were just unacceptable. As a result, I rely on my gut to tell me when a pill is ok and when I should find an alternative method. My back was screaming drugs, any drugs, O PLEASE HELP ME! I gave in and now a week after the snap I am happily medicating myself.

This decision started me thinking about how well I take care of myself and with making healthy decisions. I am healthy and work daily to make the best decisions when it comes to my health. I am flawed of course, I am a few pounds over-weight (20), have a slight issue with my thyroid and pesky migraine/cluster headaches. O and my eyesight isn’t 20/20. I think that sums up the major physical flaws. The mental ones would take too long to list. This aside, I only eat fish a few times a week (no other meats in 15 years), I primarily buy organic and natural food products, eat very few processed foods and cook mainly from scratch. So, why when I do all this do I get occasional pangs of guilt? Guilt that I am not doing enough, making the right decisions, exercising enough, not taking too many drugs; over-the-counter or prescribed. This always pops up when I decide to make a decision that readily ends my suffering. I’m starting to think I have some masochistic tendencies. Up to this point in my life I have been very lucky, I have had what I measure as few painful episodes. I know this is my perception and that others when looking over the collective body of my life may have a different take. But from my view I have had Lady Luck beside me more times than I can say. So, why do I feel like I should be willing to suck it up more when it comes to my physical pain? Crazy? O I know, I know.

Damn Woodpeckers

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So, I like to say I am still in the newlywed stage of homeownership. We have been in our house for almost 20 months now. For some this may seem like a long time, but it takes a while to settle into a home and to understand how the changing seasons impact the behaviors of the house. We were very fortunate to have found a house that we love. The layout was exactly what we had been looking for. There is lots of room to grow and it was in move-in condition with a nicely finished basement. But we have done very little to the house. We’ve painted one room and gotten new furniture for most rooms but we have yet to dress the rooms. Although, we have an exciting list of ideas, making a decision is hard and also we are not exactly ready to spend the money necessary.

So, recent events have made us start evaluating what it means to be a homeowner and not just a squatter. One of our neighbors was very concerned about a tree on our property that was leaning towards her house. She very much wanted us to remove it and insisted and contacted us about this several times. I don’t know about you but I do things in my own good time AND when I can afford to do it.

After several storms this summer, she actually offered to pay half of the cost to get it removed quickly. Well I am not going to sneeze at help…and we certainly needed it. Also, she was starting to break me down. She is the only neighbor who has so much as spoken with us or invited us into her home or even been remotely interested in knowing our names. (I know this because 6 mos. after we moved in we had an open house/b-day party celebration inviting all the neighbors on our small street (6)). And I have not forgotten her generosity…I still need to think of a creative way to say my thank you but I am not worried about the tree, her house or forgetting and most of all I was able to give her piece of mind.

The next problem we have encountered has been with WOOD-F*ING-PECKERS! This creature is very annoying and destructive. We had one pecking away on the wood exterior of the house, shortly after we had it painted. This was most upsetting. But enough banging on the bedroom walls on Saturday at 6am must have scared it off this spring…that and hubby running outside and spraying it with the hose. But alas, that was a temporary eviction, for it has returned with a vengeance. So, this weekend we (a.k.a. hubby) spent time on our new “Little Giant” filling the egg size hole on the side of the house. We are planning on putting a decorative panel over the bird’s favorite pecking ground to make it harder for him to peck through.

These activities have reinforced that 1. I need to work on my diplomacy a little more and 2. I suck at home improvement, fixes or general handy-woman things. The first one I can work on, the second, I am considering writing off. I bake and cook and clean and wash clothes and run the house…I can get hubby – I mean outsource those things if need be. But it struck me that I am the one responsible now, it’s all on our shoulders…this is our biggest investment (and if you know anything about the DC area real estate situation you will understand when I say that things are going from $200k 2 years ago to $400k now). Of course the market is slowing but the appreciation of this homes is already up there. So, I am sitting her pondering and wondering, will my house ever grow into that imagined “home” that I have in my head? Memories of something I never had but something I desire greatly? And how will my handy-less capabilities affect this dream?

At the moment I am stuck, I have no idea what to do about the woodpecker. I mean how do you stop them from ruining a perfectly good house, my “home” in training? Got ideas?

Now What?

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Well I just found out that my company is allowing some of us to telecommute! Yippee!!! 3 whole days at home, alone to get things done and it gets me away from the office. I am SO happy about this. I have been looking for a change for a while now. I have grown discontented with the way things were going at work. And honestly I was getting bored. It just wasn’t fun or interesting anymore, hard work on top of hard work.

This summer things only got worse after a promotion I had been promised actually forced me to apply and compete with outsiders of the company. An ordeal that lasted 3 months…and then I was told that “Congrats! and o’ by the way, we just weren’t able to find any viable candidates so we were happy to give it to you…probably for less money because we can.”

Needless to say I was peeved, I had been working on that promotion for a year! I was more than qualified and had recently completed the appropriate certification. I made a big transition from writing documentation to project management. I love this new area within IT but it is intense. And right now, I am still doing my old job while they try to find a “viable” candidate for that position. HA

Before they announced this new ‘perk,’ I had seriously been trying to plan my exit strategy. I was trying to rationalize it by saying I wanted to wait until my current mega project had happily rolled out. The project is sadly looking like it will be delayed past the December implementation.

It’s funny I don’t know why I feel like I am at such a crossroads. I had been thinking about moving to another job, one where I could make easily $25k+ more. I am seriously trying to decide what is the best path. Do I stay at a place, where I don’t respect the upper management including my boss, who failed me and I feel wasn’t forthcoming with the truth that he obviously had. The place that requires only 37.5 hours/week, where our health care is paid 100% by the company and we only ever pay a co-pay, where we get 4 weeks vacation and 3 weeks sick leave, 10% in retirement, and have our own offices, where talking business on IM is normal…and now telecommuting 3 days a week. To move to a place that will pay loads more (a prerequisite or why bother) but potentially have longer hours and maybe an even crappy work environment? Did I mention in only work 15 minutes from home?

OH what a dilemma! I bet you’re thinking that I am just scared, use to my cozy, stable setting. NO! I have no problem picking up and moving jobs…I have moved from DC to the west coast and back again having no job and no place to live…so starting over has never been an issue before. I don’t know why this is so much harder. Hubby and I have talked about moving back to England in a few years and I am fine with that…so why does this interim move seem so…hard?

So, where are u from?

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You know I recently read about (in 2 separate articles) a project that National Geographic is conducting. The project is called “Footsteps of my Ancestors.” The premise of the research study is to trace DNA to specific regional areas to help determine who your original ancestors were. Having a varied and mixed background this sounded so neat to me. I had visions of seeing my ancestors mapped out on the globe. Proudly looking on as I traced the generations before. My aspirations were dashed when I checked the price! $100! Come on, give a working girl a break, my purse only holds coins.

I am a frugal spender. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy buying stuff just like the next person. BUT I am an Actively Neurotic Analytical Lunatic. This means I like being in control of just about everything. I am a total planner. Spontaneity is not a part of my vocabulary. I will scour the net for the best deal, which includes me searching on 50+ websites searching for the best (insert any consumer product here) deal. I will even create spreadsheets to document where I found the deals (I know what you are thinking, just remember at least I know I’m Crazy).

Anyway, I don’t think of myself as cheap but I do take every purchase seriously. Spending $100 to participate in this test just seems excessive (picture whining and long face). I would love to find out how my genes ended up here but that goes on the “when we win the lotto” list.

I don’t know why this is annoying me. I suppose I just saw another home kit that allows you to have your mercury levels tested. That was only $25, that’s 1 dinner out, for 2! I bet your wondering though why this even caught my eye? Well I have been a vegetarian for about 15 years and about 5 years ago my doctor suggested I start eating fish again…so now I eat A LOT of fish. I spend a lot of effort trying to take care of myself…and as I move towards thoughts about having starting a family, I have been thinking more about the levels of mercury that could be swirling around in my blood.

So after pondering this for a bit, I think the best I can do for now is to send off for the mercury test. Who knows maybe I will decide that satisfaction of knowing more about my ancestors and how they have shaped who I am in even the smallest subtleties will mean more then the money I pay. I mean come on who am I kidding I can easily spend $100 in Whole Foods on tomatoes and nuts.

Hiya

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Gosh, nothing more I like than dominating a conversation to thrust my thoughts on everyone else and yet, there is nothing I hate more then describing myself. Why? Because I don’t I fit any traditional labels. In the short, I am a biracial woman, married to a caring (and crazy) Englishman. We currently live in the Washington D.C. metro area. But I AM so much more then that! The long of the story is in fact that my mother is African-American with some Cree & Cherokee Indian and Irish mixed in. My father is German-American, with some English introduced by way of my grandmother.

O I bet you think this is all rather boring, I mean aren’t we all a little mixed up? Isn’t all of our DNA blended from the generations before. I agree completely (me nodding) but I wonder how many of you are stopped on the street, asked something in a strange language with the complete assumption that you speak said mother tongue? Only to have to say back that you are not culturally enlightened because you only speak English and haven’t a clue what they are saying (all the while smiling, painfully).

I am *EASILY* mistaken for so many different ethnic groups that I used to feel embarrassed and frustrated, now I find it flattering. I have been asked if I am:
Spanish
Aboriginal (although I think the guy was just trying to hit on me)
Black
Mexican
Brazilian
Indian
Native American
Middle Eastern (Iran, Libya)
French
Pilipino/Asian (another one I am suspect about)

I have just entered my 30’s and for some reason this has brought so much to my life. Stability, home ownership and thoughts about what’s next? Lately, I find my mind wondering towards thoughts of parenthood and if this doesn’t seem like a big deal, well it so is for us. After nearly 9 years of marriage this is a huge transition. BUT you will soon realize that I am not a rusher, I am a planner and just because we are talking about it doesn’t mean it will happen anytime soon. As a result, I decided to start this blog to express these and other constant ramblings in my head. I like discussing politics, even though I am terrible at it and my mother always said not too. Ditto for religion (but I am better at expressing my wacky thoughts on this topic (at least I think so). But I am most interested in people, particularly the relationships we develop, the connections we make and the opinions we form. I have spent a lot of time thinking about my background and what it means; to me, to others and so on. I have a large circle of ethnically and culturally rich friends. I suppose I look at the blog as a way for me to express the things I never seem to be able to say out loud. A way to connect with others whom I can learn from and I hope can learn from me. And to realize that underneath the skin, we really have so few differences.

If I do or say anything that you think is offensive (not just stupid, because I can say a lot of silly things), please bear in mind it is not my intention to offend you. All I can say is I make mistakes too. So, please be nice and I hope you enjoy this slice of my life.

So, let the sharing begin!