Utter Craziness

Hell, that it is what it has been at work this week. There is a flurry of activity starting this week as we get ready to accept our first implementation from a vendor. Of course, they are behind schedule, we are slightly too but ours can be made up and most likely will hit the targets. I can see this thing falling apart during testing. Next week is not going to be pretty.

I have had a lot of pressure on me this week from every source possible and had at least 3 managers looking over my shoulder. It has sucked for the most part. I thought making a move to Project Management would be fun and exciting, that I would enjoy the interaction between the multiple groups of people I interact with for IT projects. But I am not enjoying it one bit! It probably doesn’t help that I am still also doing all of the tech writing, until they can fill that position. I use to love tech writing, but it was getting monotonous, it was time for a change.

The thing is I not just overwhelmed, I am so far beyond that I don’t even know what to call it. I am hoping that this is just a passing moment and that things will improve but doubt is creeping in. Maybe moving companies will change my perspectives, so it of course that is constantly on my mind and the desire to earn more somewhere else makes it hard to ignore.

In the midst of all this I am also trying to balance my mother’s typical craziness. 2 1/2 years ago she moved back to the area from out west and of course, the good (only-child) loving soul that I am said, “sure, come stay with us until you get back on your feet.”

BACK HISTORY: Now she had stayed with us before, for 9 months! During which she put little effort into looking for a job or her own place. Her contributions to bills, food and such were minimal at best. In fact, that time I had to “put her out (had her stay with a friend of mine for 3 weeks)” because Bozoboy’s family was arriving from England, a trip they had planned before she came to stay. We were living in an apartment at the time and barely had room for them let alone for her too. In the end, that turned out to be the best thing…she got a job during that “away” time. In the end, she ended up in the same apartment complex as us.

This time around, you would have thought I’d have learned my lesson NO I am a glutton for punishment I suppose. I figured that she may spend a bit of time doing little but after 3 months she would start looking for work. Nope. This time though she did occasionally help out with the groceries and paid a small amount towards the rent but that was the extent of her help. BUT that wasn’t the worst part…and before you go saying, how could we ask her for money…the first time we never did, she had just had a personal tragedy (escaped a house fire that destroyed everything) but the second time we did because we were barely making ends meet ourselves. She had one rather annoying habit, besides talking through programs and asking questions about something because she had talked through it… she never left the house…so for 10 months or so, she was there every day or evening! We had no quiet time, alone time whatsoever. She has no social life and makes no effort to have one. Doesn’t even think about doing stuff on her own or asking you to go with her if she didn’t want to go alone. In the beginning we felt that we had to take her with everywhere we went. As time went by that changed. We did our thing sometimes we asked her and sometimes we didn’t. We started living our life without her even though she was always there.

To this day, I still think she would have continued staying with us had we not bought a house. We made it very clear that she had to find her own place. I am not the sort of person who wants to live my life with my mother constantly in tow. We just don’t have that kind of bond. I have tried improving things but the truth is she is just not a happy person and doesn’t know what to do to change that behavior or just doesn’t want to. Maybe she is happy in the solitude of her life. I bet you are thinking, how cruel, well you have to know her to understand our dilemma. Besides what I have already mentioned she can be abrasive, contrite, contradictory (to even the things she says), rude, insulting, and to say it nicely, a general pain in the butt. But I love her, so…we both tolerate her bad behaviors. Nonetheless we moderate our interaction with her. We see her once a week and that’s about it.

So, getting back to her current craziness. Well since she came in 2003, she has not worked. Has just sat at home (she is renting a house) and done, what? Fuckall, I suspect but of course I don’t know. Now she is getting all panicky about finding a job…probably because the money she had been making & saving at the last job is drying up, and the funny thing is she had been making close to 6 figures, for nearly 3 years. I have been helping her with her resume and job resources and basically trying to help her any way I can. She has said she’s been looking since early spring and just hasn’t gotten calls. Today she applied at Target. I have no problem with her working at Target, taking a job, any job to help pay your bills in a crisis isn’t rocket science. You do what you have to. But I wonder how she got to this point? She has over 25 years in the IT field and she can’t get a job? Why did she sit around for so long before she did something? The dire attitude she is starting to present is just getting under my skin.

I do care a great deal about her and what happens to her…but I also love Bozoboy and wouldn’t subject him to another interlude in our home with her. We are happy to provide her with financial assistance, if and when she needs it but there’s no coming back. I have been wishing hard that she finds something soon, anything but something. Besides her piece of mind I need mine back too.

Did I mention she doesn’t have medical insurance and hasn’t even been to a doctor in more than 15-20 years? Fortunately, she has cut back her smoking and drinking considerable. I have other things to worry about, once she does find a job. Please let it be soon.

Grown-Up Decisions

Today I was chatting with a friend at work and we got on the topic of our fathers. A mutual friend’s father was on his deathbed and he was visiting with him. He had never been very close to him.

Both she and I are probably in similar situations regarding our fathers although it has been many years since we have seen or spoken to our dads. We discussed what we would do if they were dying, if they asked us to come, if we would cry or grieve?

When I thought about my relationship with my dad I started thinking:

First my dad probably would never ask me to come to his bedside. I am sure it would be one of my uncles who would contact me with the news. I am pretty sure this would be the scenario. I started thinking would I go? What is the point? He is 61 and has never been a “part” of my life, his choice not mine or even my mothers. He has had many opportunities to reach out, be a father or even a friend but he never did.

I have long since let go of the hope that he will be a part of my life. I can’t picture him in it. O, don’t get me wrong I have a void inside. I mourn the what-ifs and maybes.

When I think of his side, it my grandparents I miss the most. The ones who invited me into their lives and helped integrate me into me extended family. When I think of my father and his family, it is them I see and them I truly mourn. I was closer to my uncles and cousins then I was with my father. But it was my grandparents who helped keep those relationships fresh and they have all but faded now. Once a year I send a newsletter, sometimes I hear back from someone, sometimes I don’t.

When I think about whether I would run to his beside in his final hours, I just don’t know. I probably would…but I wonder if I would only be doing it because I felt some obligation to fulfill someone’s final moments. Perhaps, my motives would be completely selfish, to show that I am the better person…but I hope that is not true.

And I know where some of this is coming from. As much as I wish I could say I have forgiven him…I can’t because I haven’t. I’ve accepted that he is a non-entity in my life but forgiveness, well I just can’t. I guess I am waiting for him to ask me for it and I will gladly give it. I don’t think I can give it otherwise. Having said that and realizing it may never happen I am still ok with my decision. I lead my life, I have other Great men in my life, others who stood in for him and who I did a fantastic job.

So, if I got the call today, would I go? Probably, but that is only for this moment in time…a lot can change from one day to the next.