The holidays are upon us! I know this not by the visits to malls or the street decorations but rather the arrival of our first Christmas card. I was a bit surprised, miffed and excited. Although, I am nearly finished with my holiday shopping, (online shopping rocks!) I usually have already finished our Christmas newsletter, printed the labels and begin the process of mailing the letters. In the past this was driven by my insane perfectionist qualities. The funny thing is I love sending the cards usually. I love sharing with friends who we haven’t talked to in a while the events of our year. So, I decided to take a time out and consider why I avoidance had crept into a usually satisfying accomplishment. The answer? Apathy. This year has been rather mundane and mediocre. It has had but 1 high and the rest not lows but non-starters.

I’ve often felt that throughout my life I have been exceptionally lucky. Happiness has never been far away and my life has been terribly balanced. I have experienced no tragedies, no great losses or major upheavals. My life is just what it is. I have had successes and accomplishments, none coming too quick and none that I haven’t worked towards as a particular goal. Like so many others I do feel that I have something more in me, something more profound and fulfilling. But I also fear this radical desire for greatness. Friends of mine who have such peaks often have such lows too and sadly reflecting upon my own life it pales in comparison. To often I don’t know what I am seeking…I have imaginations and tangible goals, which I think will help to bring this “something” closer but it is elusive.

I find myself escaping into thoughts of writing, writing my book. And although, I write stories in my head daily, I just don’t seem to make the connection to paper. Every year I explore and imagine and wish that this year I will start in earnest on my book. I fictionalize the story surrounding the writing itself. I have a solid foundation but my character like her muse remains unfinished, a yet ill-conceived vision.

So, with the quickly approaching Christmas festivities and news from far away friends I look forward to 2006, with hope and aspiration. On Christmas Eve when we sit to open the cards from our friends I will be nurturing the fearful excited great character inside to do more and reach for the unexpected.

Have you noticed my naughtiness yet? Not sure what I’m talking about? Well if you hadn’t already noticed…multiple posts tend to appear at once. I have found that I am not as disciplined at posting everyday but it’s often not because I don’t have thoughts or words to convey. No, rather it’s laziness and also not wanting to see the blog as a chore.

So, if you happen to visit and notice a bunch of new posts that weren’t there the day before now you know why.

We had a home visit from 2 little sisters today, very cute tabby cats. We have been discussing getting Fatty a new companion for nearly a year now. And yesterday they were here visiting with us. They are ours if we want them in a week. They still need to get their shots and be spayed.

I have mixed feelings about having more cats. I really enjoyed them yesterday and they definitely seem spirited. And yet at the same time I am not entirely sure I want other cats running around. Fatty seems somewhat contented to be the center of attention and he is now more or less trained. The idea of taking on new kitties, well I just don’t know.

I know much of my hesitation is due in part to Madam passing away last year. She was very much my kitty, my baby if you will and I took it rather hard. I still miss her. Although, I know we will never replace her I still find myself yearning for her personality. I had thought of getting another pedigree cat but the expense is a bit prohibitive. And last week when I responded to the ad I decided that it should be about Fatty having some friends around, not about my silly insecurities. I suppose I am being more selective, snotty if you will but I wish I wasn’t.

Our minds are pretty made up. BozoBoy is game for just about any new critters. I know this is the right thing to do and it will just take time to adjust to the change. Even I am disturbed by my ambivalence. Should I take them or should I maintain the status quo? I have a week to decide…

I started the week off so promising. I don’t know what it is about when I have days off…I just do not get on the treadmill. I desperately want to lose about 15 pounds. Frankly, I would be happy to lose 20-25 but I will settle for any loss at the moment. I have been working to get consistent on the treadmill we bought in September and I just haven’t yet been successful. I am very tired of carrying around this carry-on luggage. It’s not a lot but it is just enough to make my clothes uncomfortable and me to not entirely feel myself. Granted I’ve had this extra weight now for more than a few years. After I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism that’s when I started storing extra fat cells. I don’t diet because food is not my problem. I need more regular exercise this I know…but when will I get my routine down and when will I see results. We are planning a trip in Feb to the Caribbean and I would really like to lose a few pounds before that. Let’s hope I can get it together and at least get on the treadmill more than 2x a week. It’s funny, Ms. Anal just can’t get this routine down.

So much overtime, I have today off! Hooray!!! I am staying in bed, watching foreign films and sleeping. This is a perfect do nothing day. It’s raining outside and I am snug under the covers, sipping my cup of tea happy. O, how I wish more days like this.

I am not a very good secret keeper. I mean…I can lie very well but keeping secrets is very hard. So, why is this even an issue?

A very close friend at work is pregnant. She isn’t ready for anyone else to know and I suspect the only reason I know is because I am managing a project she is working on. She is still very early (10 weeks) and had been trying for a while (IUI). She had a miscarriage 2 years ago at 24 weeks, losing her twins…so this is VERY big news.

It’s not that I want to be the one to tell her news but I am not quite sure I can keep it to myself. I know deep down that I am not going to tell anyone, else…told BozoBoy of course!

So, this is a true test for me. I am a terrible liar really…I am accomplished at withholding information. Although, I still can recall my mom saying “keep your business to yourself, you shouldn’t go around tell all your business.” I’ve gotten better over the years. I am better at holding most personal things in. I haven’t told anyone that I am in debt or other more embarrassing personal things. And yet, I still disclose more than I should at times.

So instead I am telling you, my internet audience…because no one at work knows about my site…and boy I plan to keep that secret.

Lately, I have been wondering about my innate desire to seek happiness and overcome my obstacles. I am generally an optimistic person who looks on the bright side of every situation. Although, I rarely get depressed I do tend to be deeply affected by work. I am prone to getting physically ill from stressful situations at work. I accept the bad things that come into my life not always graciously but I find a way to deal. This led me to start thinking about all these bad feelings I have been having. Being so busy all the time, unhappy, working a lot at home after hours, getting lazy about cooking healthy and so on…I even would attribute my back problems to this negativity.

So, I thought that I would list the things I find most dissatisfying about my life and see if by doing this I can divest myself of whatever angst or unhappiness I am carrying.

1. I am unhappy at work. I love the people in my immediate group and the perks and benefits. But I am so, very unhappy. I don’t like the person I am becoming or the people I am working with outside of my circle of friends and colleagues. I wish I was being adequately compensated for what I am doing. I want more emotional fulfillment. I want to go to work happy, excited. I want what I do to mean something and to matter. I miss working in academia. I miss seeing the fruits of my work, helping others.

2. I wish I wasn’t constantly obsessed with the debt we have amassed (low double-digits). It seems that all my motivation focuses on this. Paying it off, not spending on X because I could pay down our debt instead. This weighs heavily on my mind. I just want it to be gone already. But I wonder if it is gone, won’t I find something else to fret about, to replace that debt either literally or metaphorically? I have been fantasizing, hoping that we can take a nice 6-8 week trip traveling for our 10th anniversary. Of course, I find no true enjoyment in these thoughts because of our debt, and the fact that this would add too it. To add more insult to my already raw feelings, I know that we have thought about starting a family after this trip.

3. Having a family scares me for a number of reasons. The obvious, whether I will be a good parent, having a healthy baby, how will our marriage change, will we be happier…but I am terrified that we will continue our check to check behavior we currently exhibit. To be honest I am embarrassed about the amount we make and still seem to be struggling, guilty about spending money on shoes we need or so forth. We have made some big decisions to try to combat our financial woes, deciding not to buy another car and carpooling but I can’t shake my childhood feelings. I still think back to the images of my mom struggling to provide me with things, school opportunities and so on…these thoughts linger in my mind. Will we ever catch up? Make enough money to raise a child and still manage to enjoy ourselves without the stress? We have talked about BozoBoy becoming a stay-at-home dad. Of course, this is a factor when trying to improve our financial situation.

What I have realized is that I am far too obsessed about money, making more, paying off what I have spent, and thinking about what I don’t have. I am just so tired of these thoughts. I need to let go. I meant will I really have a life where I won’t have some debt? I doubt it somehow…even if it is minimal. Do I want/need help in working these problems out? Absolutely! Do I know where to look? Not exactly, but I am trying. I am trying to let go of certain ideals and desires that may in fact be causing me pain. I want to end what I feel is contributing to my own suffering. More importantly, I am on a mission to find the roots of my own happiness and focus on those. I believe this could have a significant change on my attitude and hopefully on my outlook of the future.

This is not a natural body sound. Last Thursday, I stood felt pain and some random cracks and I knew in that instance that I hurt my back. As I left work stooped over, walking like a penguin I could feel it getting worse with every step. The short walk out the building to the car was near unbearable. Carpooling with hubby has been fun and allowed us to delay buying another car but at that moment I just wanted him to drive up the stairs through the glass doors and into the lobby to the elevator. I was sure the car would fit but my mental powers to communicate my wishes were failing me.

One foot slowly in front of the other, I eventually stumbled out and shuffled into the car. That evening I took ibuprofen and hoped it would help…it didn’t! I searched the medicine cabinet for some (old) tablets of muscle relaxants I had from a previous injury (too embarrassed to tell you how old they were). I took it…I was desperate and a little less than rational. It helped ease the pain but it was there. I slept for all of 15 minutes that night. Over the weekend the pain decreased but it was still there lingering, pinging me at night and nagging me during the day.

Reluctantly, I made a doctors appointment. I have a new doc and he seems nice but usually I attempt to use a natural remedy if I can. I like to think I understand my body a little better now after a few minor medical hiccups and conventional recommendations that were just unacceptable. As a result, I rely on my gut to tell me when a pill is ok and when I should find an alternative method. My back was screaming drugs, any drugs, O PLEASE HELP ME! I gave in and now a week after the snap I am happily medicating myself.

This decision started me thinking about how well I take care of myself and with making healthy decisions. I am healthy and work daily to make the best decisions when it comes to my health. I am flawed of course, I am a few pounds over-weight (20), have a slight issue with my thyroid and pesky migraine/cluster headaches. O and my eyesight isn’t 20/20. I think that sums up the major physical flaws. The mental ones would take too long to list. This aside, I only eat fish a few times a week (no other meats in 15 years), I primarily buy organic and natural food products, eat very few processed foods and cook mainly from scratch. So, why when I do all this do I get occasional pangs of guilt? Guilt that I am not doing enough, making the right decisions, exercising enough, not taking too many drugs; over-the-counter or prescribed. This always pops up when I decide to make a decision that readily ends my suffering. I’m starting to think I have some masochistic tendencies. Up to this point in my life I have been very lucky, I have had what I measure as few painful episodes. I know this is my perception and that others when looking over the collective body of my life may have a different take. But from my view I have had Lady Luck beside me more times than I can say. So, why do I feel like I should be willing to suck it up more when it comes to my physical pain? Crazy? O I know, I know.